This is the second part of a 3-part blog responding to the following article:
Roger Melton, M.A., Psychotherapist and writer from Los Angeles, California
Adapted by Facing The Facts from Romeo’s Bleeding |
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Find Part 1 Here.
Introduction:
The following is an excerpt from the article above:
“Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her “perk-up” emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well – tenderly.
Here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you’re in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your “code.” Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, “…. But I love her!” Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect – not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.
But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, “don’t leave me. Save me!” And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional – rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It’s like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you’ll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory “event horizon.” But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.
Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful – for a while.The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.
But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.
“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.”
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Journal Exercise: Write about how this phase connects with you. Is it accurate? How so? Provide details and delve into some of your past relationships. If this is inaccurate, are you being honest with yourself? You have never experienced the “Clinger Phase?” Remember, your journal and recovery are for you. You have no one to impress. So have it!!
Personal Account: (my journal to the above exercise)
How true this is for me!
“Her complaints are ways of saying, “don’t leave me. Save me!” ” When I got through the seducer phase of my relationship, I definitely went through this clinger phase. And this was true. I did have ailments and physical complaints of all kinds. Sometimes they were real (I have a lot of intestinal issues (aka painful gas)) and some of them were real (just overall feeling “bad”). It was most definitely a way for me to get attention, a way for me to say, “Don’t leave me! Save me!” It feels really strange to admit to that, but it’s true.
I agree and disagree with the following parts of this article:
“But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.”
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It is true that after every emotional “Vesuvius” I plead for his mercy. And yes, I have imbedded my guilt-hooks deep into his conscientious nature. He has stayed around and continued tracking my volcanic earthquake, but the rest of this paragraph is bullshit! Every effort to understand or help this type of woman (ME!) is most certainly NOT a pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
Can one individual rescue me? NO! I have to rescue myself! But that does NOT mean that my partner should give up on me and leave me. This article reeks of a loss of a hope, which is really frustrating and disheartening for me. I think there are a lot of good points throughout it, and I will choose to take what is helpful for me, and leave what is not.
“Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful – for a while.The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.”
The sex IS incredible. I can instinctually read his needs. And it does seem wonderful. I will admit that my motive is sometimes double-edged. So what can I take from this? I will be more attuned to my motives for intense and hot sex. Am I doing it because I love him? And I want it? Or am I doing it for my own need to control him in some way? Sex is a tricky arena for me, that’s for sure. This is most definitely going to be a topic that comes up repeatedly throughout my recovery journey.
I want to find my confident and securities from within – not from without. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am beautiful, smart, talented, or worthy. Well, right now I admit that I do sense the need for that outward validation – but seeking that validation is not going to help my recovery process. I need to find that validation from within. So what can I do today that will help me feel validated as an individual?
Recovery Exercise: Being attuned to the clinger phase and the motivation behind sex. Whenever I feel motivated to initiate or engage in sex with my partner, I am going to do a little self-check. I want to check out my emotions, sensations, perceptions, desires, and motivations. I will ask myself, what am I trying to achieve or get out of this? I will do that throughout the weekend and see what I come up with.