Love: The Hater Phase

August 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged anger, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, control, disorder, manipulation, personality, rage

This is Part 3 to a three part blog responding to the following article: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves.

Find Part 1 here ~ Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase.

Find Part 2 here ~ Love: The Clinger Phase.

Here’s the except from the above article being discussed today:

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it’s first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life. 

 What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline’s mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe – or “the way you’re looking at me,” – she will always justify her rage by blaming you for “having to hurt her.”

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Journal Exercise: Write about your own experience in “The Hater Phase.”  Does it ring true for you?  Can you recall some specific examples of your rage in the hater phase?  If this doesn’t seem like it fits you, has there ever been a time that has?  Write about how reading this section of the articles resonates with you.

 

Pesonal Account: My own experience within the Hater phase

Rage is a very real thing in my life.  And in my eyes, my reasons for slipping into my rage ARE very clear to me.  I am able to recognize that more often than not, the reasons are illogical and unfair.  There have been many times when I have snapped and lost control when interacting with my husband.  I want to quickly blame, and I usually end up screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, breaking stuff, pushing him out of my way, hitting him (if he’s trying to restrain or block me from leaving), and I just lose complete control. I have done this so many times that it’s hard to give examples (there’s unfortunately too many to choose from).

I do NOT want to break my husband down over time.  I do NOT want this to continue happening.  The writer of this article just states it like this is what we want.  Like we have control over our rage and emotions.  That’s the whole point of coping with borderline personality disorders.  Sometimes we don’t have control, and we have to learn to start taking that control back in our lives.

 

Solution: The next time you sense yourself slipping into a rage, FREEZE.  Tell your partner what’s happening and take a break.  Maybe you need to take a shower, go for a drive, be alone, read a book, listen to music, play with the dog – anything to calm your senses and nerves and get you back into control.  This will be HARD.  But you can do it!  If you are unsuccessful at stopping yourself, at least take the time to reflect on what happened.  Get in your journal and write about the trigger to your rage and what you experiences.  Brainstorm some reasons why you were unable to FREEZE and take control.  Recognizing your own behavior and increase awareness of your personality obstacles is a huge key to your recovery.

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