Archive for Journal Topic

Workplace Adjustments

January 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Solution ·Tagged avoiding tasks, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, control, cycle, destruction, disorder, happy, healing, healthy, job, job cycle, journal, manipulation, personality, quit job, recovery, relationships, self help, self-destruct, Solution

The typically successful individual in our culture spends at least 8 hours per day at work, so work takes up the majority of our time. It’s important for an individual with borderline personality disorder to feel good at work – to feel the true potential for success. Workplace relationships and demands can be stressful and even triggering for some people.

When choosing a job, or at your current job, try making the following workplace adjustments:

Work in disciplined environments

When you work at a job that has clear expectations and consequences for failing to meet those expectations, you’ll have less room to manipulate and fail. Follow the rules and you will be successful. This kind of structure and discipline will help you thrive.

Consistent Support from Co-Workers and Employers

You don’t have to disclose the specifics of things you struggle with, but make an effort to make positive relationships that will serve to support you. Do your homework on friendship skills and focus on putting your manipulation and sensitivity to the side at work. Allowing workplace relationships to thrive, without judging them or demanding too much of them, will give those relationships a chance to give you the consistent support you need.

Avoid Jobs that are Monotonous

Getting bored will only lead to destructive behaviors. If you find yourself in a monotonous job with repetitious tasks, challenge yourself to have fun, push yourself harder, and look for opportunities within that position to take on additional responsibility and tasks.

Avoid Frequent Shift Changes

Sleep is extremely important for stabilizing mood. By making frequent shift changes, you will disrupt your sleep cycles, which will have very big emotional consequences for you. The goal is to learn how to control your emotions, and by messing with your sleep schedule, you will be setting yourself up to fail.

Journal Exercise: Brainstorm some ways you can make changes in your workplace to improve successful behavior and changes. Out of the brainstormed list, pick one and implement it as soon as possible. Write about how that change is making things better.

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Defining Wants and Needs

August 26, 2008 at 3:09 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged borderline, borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, bpd, personality disorder

A lot of frustration, in my personal experience, comes from events and individuals interfering with or not giving me what I need or want. I realize this may sound selfish, but as an individual with borderline personality disorder, selfishness is not a new concept to me.

It’s important to identify exactly what you WANT and what you NEED. Dig deep, be honest, and write it down. Differentiating between what you need and what you want will help you start establishing reasonable expectations in your life.

Journal Exercise: Write down what you want – from people, from life, right now, tonight, tomorrow, etc. Write about what you need – from people, from life, right now, tonight, tomorrow, etc. Wants and needs change. Do this exercise weekly. At the end of it, write about reasonable and unreasonable expectations. How will you combat the unreasonable expectations that arise within you – often spontaneously? Be HONEST. You have no reason to lie. It may take you a while to write about this one. Give yourself time. Relax and be honest.

Personal Account: My Wants and Needs

NEEDS

1. I need to have food and shelter.

2. I need money to pay my bills.

3. I need to feel safe.

4. I need to feel loved and accepted.

WANTS

1. I want a nice home and to eat out whenever I want.

2. I want to have spending money to buy extra stuff.

3. I want to feel in control.

4. I want to be told how loved and appreciated I am.

By matching up my wants to my needs, I can see what’s a reasonable expectation (getting what I need) and what’s an unrealistic expectation (getting what I want).

Challenge: Do NOT be demanding for the rest of the week. Be appreciative for the things in your life that are meeting your needs. Ask yourself what you can to kindly and appropriately get what you want. I repeat, do NOT demand. Maybe you can do an extra job to get extra spending money (instead of demanding it from your partner or charging it up on a credit card). Maybe you can tell yourself it’s okay to relax and give up control. Maybe you can show your partner how much you love and appreciate them. Don’t always ask yourself what people can do for YOU. Ask yourself what you can do for THEM, and do NOT do it to receive something in return. Do it just to do it – because you care about them. Avoid manipulation this week. Try it one day at a time!

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Control Over Your Body

August 11, 2008 at 2:28 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Solution ·Tagged borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, disorder, personality

The concept of “control” is something that will come up a lot in the life of an individual with a borderline personality disorder. I know it comes up a lot in my life.

On of the first steps to mental health is gaining control over your body. The first way to do that is to get exercise!! Select the type of exercise you want to get, and start gaining control over your body. As you build muscles, strengthen your heart, lose a little weight, you’ll start feeling more control over your body. And having a positive control over your body is a great step to overall health.

Today’s Challenge: Pick an exercise activity and do it. Even if it’s only for 2 minutes. Move your body and be mindful of how the movement feels.

Journal Exercise: Exercise every day for 7 days straight. Journal about how your body feels, and how your mind is responding to this exercise.

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Love: The Hater Phase

August 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged anger, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, control, disorder, manipulation, personality, rage

This is Part 3 to a three part blog responding to the following article: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves.

Find Part 1 here ~ Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase.

Find Part 2 here ~ Love: The Clinger Phase.

Here’s the except from the above article being discussed today:

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it’s first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline’s mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe – or “the way you’re looking at me,” – she will always justify her rage by blaming you for “having to hurt her.”

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Journal Exercise: Write about your own experience in “The Hater Phase.” Does it ring true for you? Can you recall some specific examples of your rage in the hater phase? If this doesn’t seem like it fits you, has there ever been a time that has? Write about how reading this section of the articles resonates with you.

Pesonal Account: My own experience within the Hater phase

Rage is a very real thing in my life. And in my eyes, my reasons for slipping into my rage ARE very clear to me. I am able to recognize that more often than not, the reasons are illogical and unfair. There have been many times when I have snapped and lost control when interacting with my husband. I want to quickly blame, and I usually end up screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, breaking stuff, pushing him out of my way, hitting him (if he’s trying to restrain or block me from leaving), and I just lose complete control. I have done this so many times that it’s hard to give examples (there’s unfortunately too many to choose from).

I do NOT want to break my husband down over time. I do NOT want this to continue happening. The writer of this article just states it like this is what we want. Like we have control over our rage and emotions. That’s the whole point of coping with borderline personality disorders. Sometimes we don’t have control, and we have to learn to start taking that control back in our lives.

Solution: The next time you sense yourself slipping into a rage, FREEZE. Tell your partner what’s happening and take a break. Maybe you need to take a shower, go for a drive, be alone, read a book, listen to music, play with the dog – anything to calm your senses and nerves and get you back into control. This will be HARD. But you can do it! If you are unsuccessful at stopping yourself, at least take the time to reflect on what happened. Get in your journal and write about the trigger to your rage and what you experiences. Brainstorm some reasons why you were unable to FREEZE and take control. Recognizing your own behavior and increase awareness of your personality obstacles is a huge key to your recovery.

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Love: The Clinger Phase

August 8, 2008 at 4:02 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged borderline, borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, bpd, disorder, journal, Personal Account, personality, recovery

This is the second part of a 3-part blog responding to the following article:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Roger Melton, M.A., Psychotherapist and writer from Los Angeles, California
Adapted by Facing The Facts from Romeo’s Bleeding

Find Part 1 Here.

Introduction:

The following is an excerpt from the article above:

“Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her “perk-up” emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well – tenderly.
Here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you’re in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your “code.” Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, “…. But I love her!” Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect – not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, “don’t leave me. Save me!” And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional – rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It’s like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you’ll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory “event horizon.” But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful – for a while.The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.”

_______________________________________________

Journal Exercise: Write about how this phase connects with you. Is it accurate? How so? Provide details and delve into some of your past relationships. If this is inaccurate, are you being honest with yourself? You have never experienced the “Clinger Phase?” Remember, your journal and recovery are for you. You have no one to impress. So have it!!

Personal Account: (my journal to the above exercise)

How true this is for me!

“Her complaints are ways of saying, “don’t leave me. Save me!” ” When I got through the seducer phase of my relationship, I definitely went through this clinger phase. And this was true. I did have ailments and physical complaints of all kinds. Sometimes they were real (I have a lot of intestinal issues (aka painful gas)) and some of them were real (just overall feeling “bad”). It was most definitely a way for me to get attention, a way for me to say, “Don’t leave me! Save me!” It feels really strange to admit to that, but it’s true.

I agree and disagree with the following parts of this article:

“But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.”

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It is true that after every emotional “Vesuvius” I plead for his mercy. And yes, I have imbedded my guilt-hooks deep into his conscientious nature. He has stayed around and continued tracking my volcanic earthquake, but the rest of this paragraph is bullshit! Every effort to understand or help this type of woman (ME!) is most certainly NOT a pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

Can one individual rescue me? NO! I have to rescue myself! But that does NOT mean that my partner should give up on me and leave me. This article reeks of a loss of a hope, which is really frustrating and disheartening for me. I think there are a lot of good points throughout it, and I will choose to take what is helpful for me, and leave what is not.

“Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful – for a while.The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.”

The sex IS incredible. I can instinctually read his needs. And it does seem wonderful. I will admit that my motive is sometimes double-edged. So what can I take from this? I will be more attuned to my motives for intense and hot sex. Am I doing it because I love him? And I want it? Or am I doing it for my own need to control him in some way? Sex is a tricky arena for me, that’s for sure. This is most definitely going to be a topic that comes up repeatedly throughout my recovery journey.

I want to find my confident and securities from within – not from without. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am beautiful, smart, talented, or worthy. Well, right now I admit that I do sense the need for that outward validation – but seeking that validation is not going to help my recovery process. I need to find that validation from within. So what can I do today that will help me feel validated as an individual?

Recovery Exercise: Being attuned to the clinger phase and the motivation behind sex. Whenever I feel motivated to initiate or engage in sex with my partner, I am going to do a little self-check. I want to check out my emotions, sensations, perceptions, desires, and motivations. I will ask myself, what am I trying to achieve or get out of this? I will do that throughout the weekend and see what I come up with.

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Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

August 7, 2008 at 2:24 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account ·Tagged borderline, borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, bpd, cycle, disorder, evolution, manipulation, personality, relationship cycle, relationships

Here is a link to an article about the evolution and cycle of the borderline personality relationship (romantic relationship):

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Roger Melton, M.A., Psychotherapist and writer from Los Angeles, California
Adapted by Facing The Facts from Romeo’s Bleeding

Today’s post will be focusing on the first phase of this evolution: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase.

Journal Exercise: Read about the Vulnerable Seducer Phase, and write about your personal experience in that phase. Does Roger Melton’s perspective on this experience match your own experience? How so? Give examples based on your most recent relationship.

*Tomorrow we will explore the next phase, “The Clinger Phase.”

Personal Account: (as a reminder, the personal accounts are essentially my journals on the given journal exercise of the day)

What Roger wrote in this article regarding hte Vulnerable Seducer Phase rang so truly it was kind of creepy to me. How can a stranger know what my relationship pattern and behavior is by only knowing my diagnosis. It makes me feel like I am definitely in that box. But it also provides me some relief knowing that there’s a reason I behave the way I do, and I’m not alone. So how did my most relationship match the Vulnerable Seducer Phase?

I met my partner while I was actually dating another individual. It was a long-distance relationship, and I was ready to let it go any way. When I met my partner, Timothy, I fell for him immediately. I was definitely looking for my “knight in shining armor,” and I found him when I found Timothy. I was very quick to let him know I was interested and I began a very intense relationship with him. I did have a very intense way of bearing down on him that was incredibly seductive. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was making him feel like the most amazing person in the world – he knew me like no one else knew me, and we were going to be an amazing match. Just as the article states, a lot did happen between us in a very short amount of time.

I did this in previous relationships, too – and I tried to do it while growing up, but it wasn’t until high school when I caught a poor guy in my web of seduction and deceit. It’s very interesting to look at my relationships through the borderline personality perspective. I am fairly fucked up. Excuse my language, but I am. But that’s okay. I’m working through it, and I’m being honest. I don’t always have to live my life like I have in the past. I can change my present and I can change my future.

I’m looking forward to exploring the next phase tomorrow.

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Giving Back

August 5, 2008 at 3:12 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged borderline, borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, community, confidence, connection, creative, disorder, encourage, giving, giving back, job, journal, manipulation, manipulative, personal, personality, relationships, self-esteem, take

Individuals (like myself) with Borderline Personality Disorder can be manipulative in the ways they are able to take from a relationship. So this week, I want you to focus on ways you can give back.

I encourage you to find creative ways to give back to your partner, friends, relationships, job, community, or anything you can think of. Giving makes us feel a better connection, increases self-esteem, and improve confidence. What can you give back?

Task: Give Back!

Journal Topic: Pick someone or something and a way to give back. Write about the process and how you felt about it.

Personal Account: I’m giving back right now.

You may not realize it, but this blog is my way of giving back to you, the readers. By creating something positive for the world, I am bringing positive energy into my life. And we all know that the more positive energy we have, the better our lives are, and the less likely we are to fall into our vicious borderline cycles.

Giving back to my husband: I will give him lots of hugs and quality time (his love language). I will write a sweet note and leave it in his car for tomorrow morning.

Giving back to my job: I will vacuum. Hilarious, I know – but it’s an extra special task I can do that gives back to the office. I will go to the store and swap the coffee filters and take the coffee maker home to clean it (it’s pretty gross).

Giving back to my family: I will call my mom once I get home and plug my phone in. I’ll only have about 30 minutes before I have to be somewhere else, but I can talk to her for a little while.

Giving back to myself: (this is different than taking from others) I will remove my toenail polish, soak my feet, and try on my dress (to check on my weight loss progress).

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Job Cycle

August 1, 2008 at 12:25 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged blame, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, control, cycle, destruction, disorder, excuses, fired, job, job cycle, journal, Journal Topic, maintaining job, new job, Personal Account, personality, quit job, reflect, self-destruct, struggle, truth

Maintaining a job is a difficult task for many individuals with borderline personality disorder. I am one of those individuals. I have had quite a few jobs over the last 10 years, and I have seen myself repeat the same cycle so many times I want to scream. What’s your cycle?

Journal Topic: If you struggle with maintaining jobs, it can be tempting to blame the employer, the job, the circumstances. Making excuses for leaving (or getting fired) is easy for us to do. But if we want to be honest and get our lives under control, we have to admit to the truth. Take this opportunity to reflect on your job experiences – why did you start certain jobs? What did you like? What did you dislike? What factors lead to you leaving your job? What are some goals you’d like for yourself regarding a job or career? (Include if you’d like to go to school or get specific job training).

Personal Account: My Job Cycle

I am an intelligent, gifted, and (sometimes) driven young woman. When I want something, I will get it. I will do the work it requires to accomplish my goals. Most of the time. I am finishing up my second Masters degree, which shows my dedication to education and achievement. But the reality of my education and jobs/career is a lot shakier and scarier than anyone can see from my resume.

Here’s a simple breakdown of my cycle:

1. Get excited about job/school.

2. Commit and work hard.

3. Get tired of it.

4. Give up without asking for help.

5. Self-destruct.

6. Pick up the pieces by lying, manipulating, or worming my way back somehow.

7. If I can’t manipulate my way back, I’ll quit and move on to something else.

8. Repeat.

Recognizing a cycle or pattern like this seems like the first step to breaking it. At what point do I need to self-correct? After looking at what I’ve written, it looks like I need to interven at step 3: Get tired of it. By asking for help, meditating, writing, and talking about it, I can rejuvenate myself to get back to step 1: Getting excited.

What is your cycle? And Where does your cycle need intervening?

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Avoiding Irritating Tasks

July 31, 2008 at 12:09 pm · Filed under Journal Topic, Personal Account, Solution ·Tagged avoiding tasks, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, disorder, feeling, feelings, healing, irritating, personality, recovery, results, self help, Solution, success, tasks

By avoiding those irritating tasks, we are simply searching for immediate gratification. How does that help us in the long run? It doesn’t, and we all know it. So, what are you avoiding today? Is it a bill you need to pay, a phone call you need to make, a letter you need to write, a boss you need meet with? What are you avoiding? The list might be astronomical. So don’t make a list – it will only stress you out.

Today’s solution for avoiding irritating tasks:

1. Pick ONE. That’s right. Just one. And do it. Right NOW. After that one is done, if you don’t feel like doing another one, then don’t. But when tomorrow comes, you will pick at least ONE more. By completing tasks one at a time, your life will start losing some of that pressure which creates that feeling of doom and anxiety. So, Pick ONE, and complete ONE.

2. Tell someone. After you pick the one task you are going to complete, tell someone you are going to do that today – as if it’s a fact. Whether it’s your spouse, partner, roommate, or your journal. Commit to it.

Journal Idea: Write the ONE task you have chosen for today. After completing the task, write about how good you feel to do something positive and successful. I realize that irritating task may be painful, but getting it over with is indeed a positive point in your life.

Personal Account:

Task: The irritating task I’m avoiding today is calling Cricket. I lost my phone about 2 months ago, and I haven’t been paying my bill. Now the bill is way over $100, which I can’t afford. I need to call them to cancel the phone and deal with this bill. I’ve been constantly putting it off, but my husband has been encouraging me day after day. It’s just one phone call, and I will do it this morning!!

Results: This task turned out to be irritating (go figure), but in the end, I received a fair deal. I will not have to pay the $120, and if I can’t find my cell phone, I will receive $50 off a new one, and each dollar I spend over that towards a new one will go towards my future bills. So that turned out very well.

Feelings of success: In the teaching world, it is a well known fact that “success build success” which basically means that if an individual can be successful and at even one small task, that will create the confidence and motivation to continue being successful. So, I started small. I was successful today! And it felt great! I could feel a little bit of that pressure on my chest just lifting.

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Archive for Journal Topic

Workplace Adjustments

Defining Wants and Needs

Control Over Your Body

Love: The Hater Phase

Love: The Hater Phase

Love: The Clinger Phase

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Giving Back

Job Cycle

Avoiding Irritating Tasks

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